Big Mess

I'm writing this because I'm tired;

Tired of being worthless
Tired of being used
Tired of being unwelcome
Tired of being a mess.

People see me as a person who is strong, brave. But really, everything is just a facade. A mask I have perfectly made for what? Neither I know the reason.

Everything seems to be so wrong. I feel so emotionally tired I just wanna sleep til this feeling fades. I want to be me. I just want to enjoy my life by being myself. But it seems like I have already forgotten which is which.I cant go back. I cant find the way back. Im so lost that I just wanna stay lost forever.

No one knows the real me. I havent told anyone because I'm afraid they may see it as a weakness and one day, this will slowly kill me and I'm just there wandering somewhere oblivious all these things are already backfiring to me.


I hate that I'm too flawed. Can I blame someone? No. I made myself a big mess. No matter what has happened to me, no matter what everyone has done to me; the flaws I have now are all my doings. I have let them control me. I have let them make me the way I am right now.

I wanna break the chain I'm tied up to. Because maybe I still wanna live. Maybe I wanna really enjoy that life they say. I am flawed but I wanna breathe. I wanna change myself because I wanna live.

If i can't break the chains now, I hope someday someone will find me wherever i have wandered to, and break these chains for me. I, myself, cant do it.

I'm sorry.
I have been dead for quite a long time. I wanna see a light; even just a glimpse.

-Mar

That True Friend...

We had this assignment in our English subject and we needed to choose our partner. We were asked to write anything about our partners like basic information, characteristics and a lot more. We were instructed to interview each other and stuffs. Our topic was about pronouns that's why.

So Davelyn and I decided to pair up for this assignment. She's been my classmate for almost 5 years if I'll include this year. We decided to write something about us without interviewing each other. So what she wrote about me made me the happiest girl alive..

                                       FROM ME TO YOU

       My friend whose name is Maricris Lansang Sison, is a 16 year old teenage girl who was born on August 23, 1997 and lives Macabacle City of San Fernando Pampanga. She is known for being jolly, loud and absolutely talkative especially when she already regards you as her friend. Like me, she is also a fan of Taylor Swift and Ian Somerholder, not to mention her addiction to books, by addiction I mean reading a lot of books everyday usually through E-books. She dislikes haunted houses, death and frogs the most, and people who tends to be “loading” at times Many may sometimes misunderstand her by the way she talks or by the way she acts during some situations like group activities or when she tries to express her idea, but for me she is one unique person which any individual might need.

       She tells things to you frankly, at first I took it negatively but when we really got close, she just does that for my own improvement. I think her favorite motto in life is “nabuhay ako ng wala siya, mamamatay din ako ng wala siya” because she always blurts it out and according to her she really doesn’t remember where she got that line but just says it. As a friend, Maricris is a loyal, helpful, trustworthy friend that you can rely on , her simple acts just always surprises me along the way and truly touches my heart every time, like whenever she sees us carrying heavy bags she would take the initiative of carrying one for us, when she thinks you’re not feeling well, she will not stay put unless she asks you if you’re okay or voluntarily gets a medicine for you to drink, during times of weakness she wouldn’t be the type to say unrealistic or cliché things like “It’s okay, I’m here for you, don’t cry” or stuff like that she uses her own actions and words to depict that she is worried or wants to help you in any situation you may be in. Those things are just the general times that can describe her as an amazing friend, if I were to list all of it, I’m sure I’m going to need a lot of paper. Even though some might say bad things about her like being bossy or boastful or whatever rumors say, I always choose to see the good side of her that not everyone can really see and I will always choose to be by her side whenever she needs me. Describing her in words, even though we are already really close is a little hard because she is not the type to say sweet things easily to you , but you will really know what I’ve been describing her of when you get to see the other side of her actions everyday.


       Maricris’ final destination in life would be of course death, but before that she would like to go to America and become independent. She really has already set her mind to go abroad after a few years working in the Philippines, she sees herself as a Certified Public Accountant in the States making a lot of money and meeting the person who will love her just the way she is and not a person who will try to change her. As I said, she is one unique person that any individual will need, why? Because it takes a lot of courage to say truthful things to a person whether it is bad or good for her own self –improvement and being a loyal friend from start to finish.

You know that feeling when you feel so accepted and loved by someone? that's what I felt when I was reading this. I felt like she knew me so well, she knew all my flaws and weaknesses yet she accepted everything and loved me with everything.

To Davelyn Rosales, you truly are great friend. Like I always say, I love you forever and a day. <3 You are a blessing from God that I really treasure. Hope everyone has a friend like you because you are what they need.

-Mar <3

Father's Day

A  father is a son''s first HERO; a daughter's first LOVE...

 Today is a very special day to all the dads in the world. Most children are waiting for this day to surprise their dads, to show them how much they appreciate and love all the things their dads have sacrificed for them, to show them how lucky they are to have such dad and to have the best  dads in the world. And surely, Fathers deserve everything their children could give. This day is for the fathers who did their best to be loving dads.

I  used to be like them. So ecstatic to spend this day with my father. but now, I'm dreading this day. To be honest, I feel like this is just another day. I'm one of those people who are unfortunate to have loving dads.
My Father is the biggest asshole you could ever meet. He used to be my ideal dad, but, when I was 13, he suddenly changed.

My father changed when he had a mistress. A really ugly mistress with a big ugly nose. I hate him so much. You wanna know why? Because the bitch lives right after our house. It is humiliating as hell. We thought they were just friends. But one day, we saw our dad's phone with really disgusting  messages from the bitch. My dad has no job. How dare him do that to us? And he steals money from mom's bag. We were always blamed before for what he was doing, then one day, Mom saw him getting money in her bag. He really is a fucked up father.

I hate him so much for hurting my mom. He humiliates mom in public and in private. He once called my mom a whore and physically hurt her. It really took a lot of self restrain to not go there and kill him myself. My mom is the best mom. I could see it and feel it. Tho mom is really a martyr. We were telling her to kick him out of our house but she told us that she wanted us to not have a broken family. Really? Id rather live without that asshole. Mom obviously loves him no matter what he does. 

You know what's the most painful thing you could ever see? It's when you see your mom crying and you're just there looking at her, so helpless that you cant do anything but  to cry with her. If I could only take all the pain in her eyes, i would move heaven and hell just to take all those pain from her eyes. When your dad is same with mine, you better be a good child and show you mom that even though she has the worst husband, she is Blessed with the best children. 

I loved my dad. I Loved him so much . I prayed to God for 2 years to give back my old dad. I still could remember  those days that you could see in his eyes how much he adored and loved us.He was my first love, my first hero.  I was so desperate to feel those things again. But I realized there was nothing i could do anymore. Sometimes i wanna cry when I see my classmates' dads. And I was just there looking at them, dreaming that it was my dad and me.

My family is far worse than what you are imagining right now. My dad's depth of depravity is something i wouldn't want anyone to feel nor experience.

I tell you this,

I'D RATHER HAVE A DEAD DAD KNOWING HE LOVED US UNTIL HIS LAST BREATH THAN HAVING A DAD WHO DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A F*CK ABOUT US.

If you have a loving dad, be thankful. Because there are children somewhere who do not have their dads and there are children somewhere who would give everything just to have your dad. And I am one of them. 

Happy Father's Day to all of you! Love your dad to the moon and back.

-Mar <3