Big Mess

I'm writing this because I'm tired;

Tired of being worthless
Tired of being used
Tired of being unwelcome
Tired of being a mess.

People see me as a person who is strong, brave. But really, everything is just a facade. A mask I have perfectly made for what? Neither I know the reason.

Everything seems to be so wrong. I feel so emotionally tired I just wanna sleep til this feeling fades. I want to be me. I just want to enjoy my life by being myself. But it seems like I have already forgotten which is which.I cant go back. I cant find the way back. Im so lost that I just wanna stay lost forever.

No one knows the real me. I havent told anyone because I'm afraid they may see it as a weakness and one day, this will slowly kill me and I'm just there wandering somewhere oblivious all these things are already backfiring to me.


I hate that I'm too flawed. Can I blame someone? No. I made myself a big mess. No matter what has happened to me, no matter what everyone has done to me; the flaws I have now are all my doings. I have let them control me. I have let them make me the way I am right now.

I wanna break the chain I'm tied up to. Because maybe I still wanna live. Maybe I wanna really enjoy that life they say. I am flawed but I wanna breathe. I wanna change myself because I wanna live.

If i can't break the chains now, I hope someday someone will find me wherever i have wandered to, and break these chains for me. I, myself, cant do it.

I'm sorry.
I have been dead for quite a long time. I wanna see a light; even just a glimpse.

-Mar